Putting the Past in the Past

Putting the Past in the Past

I am coming off one of the best weeks I have had in, well, I don’t know how long.  Being selected to race for the U.S. Military Cycling team, getting in some great rides, seeing my fitness improve, and spending some time with a really cool person; it all added up to a great week.  Since the new-year, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past and looking to the future.  Where have I been?  What have I done?  How did I get here? Where the hell am I going?  These thoughts have been on my mind as I struggle to put things in perspective and try to move forward in my life.

You see, I have invested a lot of time trying to forget my past so that I can move on.  What a stupid idea that is.  I now understand that that was an impossible undertaking.  The memories we acquire from our experiences are not soon forgotten.  Come to think of it: why would we want to?  My experiences, both good and bad, have shaped me into the person I am.  Granted, some of the things I have seen and experienced are terrible and they come with unpleasant feelings: fear, anger, guilt, and mistrust are but a few.  For a long time I have been very numb and not able to feel much of anything, except for that is, the above.  In an effort to stop feeling bad, I tried to forget the past, ignore the bad feelings, but in so doing, the only thing I was able to get rid of were the good feelings: joy, happiness, laughter, love, and empathy.

Climbing back on my bike, riding and experiencing just how awesome it is to once again be doing something I love has slowly chiseled away my fear and with it, all my bad feelings.   I reached this realization shortly after Christmas when I got sick.  I was off my bike for about nine days and toward the end, I was not very happy.  I thought about it: why was I unhappy?  Was it solely because I hadn’t been exercising?  No, that wasn’t it.  So what was it?  It was being around people, socializing, and interacting with them.  I started to ponder this thought.  Why did being around people make me happy?  It’s the process of talking to new people, sharing my story, listening to theirs.  These interactions forced me to open up, to make myself vulnerable.  I have discovered that I like this experience and all the good feelings that come along with it.  In the end, it’s about making friends.

Let’s get back to this week:  all the things I rediscovered prepared me for my experiences this week.  A couple of months ago, there was no way I would’ve had the courage to put an application in to ride for the U.S. Military Cycling Masters team.  I would have been afraid of being turned down, might have thought I wasn’t good enough, or been afraid of having to travel to races.  When my brother called last Saturday and said “what are you doing boy , because a friend is in town and  she is bored, and would I like to go and hang out with her?  I would have instantly had about a thousand things to do, and would have staying home like a damn hermit.   It was so weird, I thought, hell yeah, that sounds fun!  It was the best decision I could have made.  For the first time in about four years, since I left for Iraq, I was able to completely relax and have fun.  What a nice experience, talking, drinking some beer, listening to some live music (even if the first band was not so good), eating some great seafood, and best of all: being with a really cool person that made me smile and laugh! 

So what does the past have to do with all this?  The answer is easy:  for a long time I felt as though I couldn’t move forward unless, I was able to forget about all the bad stuff.   Bad relationships, people who tried to do bad things to people I had the responsibility to take care of, and what felt like my own shortcomings and failures.   I know it’s impossible to get rid of these memories and I accept this fact.  However, I can keep it all in perspective, learn, and grow.  I also realize that everything bad that’s happened is not all my fault or doing.  I accept responsibility for my mistakes, and I forgive myself and others.

Today, when I was driving, the song “Southern Cross” by Crosby, Stills, & Nash came on.  As I listened, it struck a chord with me. The lyrics summed up where I’ve been, and where I’m heading.  I may not have much left of my previous life, really just the memories.  Much like in the song where the lyricist states: ” I have my ship And all her flags are a flyin' She is all that I have.”, and my “ship” is my memories; and that’s okay.  I’m moving forward and finally putting the past in the past.

Until next time, keep the rubber on the road

Southern Cross  By: Crosby Stills & Nash

Got out of town on a boat
Goin' to Southern islands.
Sailing a reach
Before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades
On the outside,
And the downhill run
To Papeete.
Off the wind on this heading
Lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way.
In a noisy bar in Avalon
I tried to call you.
But on a midnight watch I realized
Why twice you ran away.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
When you see the Southern Cross
For the first time
You understand now
Why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from
Is so small.
But it's as big as the promise
The promise of a comin' day.
So I'm sailing for tomorrow
My dreams are a dyin'.
And my love is an anchor tied to you
Tied with a silver chain.
I have my ship
And all her flags are a flyin'
She is all that I have left
And music is her name.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woma/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
So we cheated and we lied
And we tested
And we never failed to fail
It was the easiest thing to do.
You will survive being bested.
Somebody fine
Will come along
Make me forget about loving you.
At the Southern Cross.