Careful What You Think

So, the other day I went to a support group for depression and bipolar. As I was sitting, I was gazing around the circle of people just sort of observing. Some are nervous and fidgety, others are nervously eyeing the group and I'm think to myself, what a goofy bunch of people. All so very weird. Then it hits me: they are probably thinking the same thing about me. Wow, I don't just look like them, I am them.  Like it or not, I have clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sleep disorder, and of course,  my good friend PTSD. Just thinking about it still weirds me out. But hey, going to support groups is a very helpful thing, it gives me the chance to talk with peers, say whats on my mind and not feel like I'm being judged or evaluated. Maybe in hindsight, it is not so weird.  I mean hey, isn't that what we all want and need? To be able to talk about what pisses us off with out the feeling of being under a spotlight. So yes, I suffer from all of the above, and yes, I have my days when I'm not good to be around because I act like a complete bastard. I acknowledge this and I'm working to better myself. That is about all I can do.

I got a good ride in today. It was one of those days you just feel so lucky to be able to be on your bike. The air was cool and crisp, the sun was out and it was a little windy.  I thought about wearing arm warmers and leg warmers since the temperature was in the mid 50's. Instead, I kicked it old school. Arm warmers with my jersey and only my bib shorts. I put some heat rub on my legs with a bit of baby oil. This keeps the wind and slight cold at bay.  It turned out to be a good choice! The ride was interesting, I did a 30 mile loop that is kind of a box shape.  The wind was out of the west, north west.  I had the wind from every possible angle, side, tail wind and head wind.  I did a moderate pace in the small chain ring.  I am still being gentle with my SI joint, so I try to keep my effort to the easy side. I try to keep my cadence between 85-90 RPM's. Today this translated into an 17.5 MPH average. I like these kinds of rides. You aren't putting yourself in the red, so you end of having lots of time to think and reflect.  When I ride alone I listen to my IPod and before you say it, I know, it's not a good idea to have buds in your ears while riding, I guess I am safe enough despite this.  I have really good reaction time and I am usually hyper aware of what is happening around me.  This is one instance that my PTSD is to my advantage.  All the time spent watching the road for IED's and other pleasantries has given me a keen sense of my surroundings and gives me the ability to see and react to things before most people are even aware something isn't right. If I can ever manage to get some racing fitness, I firmly believe this will be a sort of secret weapon and I will be the better racer for it.  That's my thinking anyway.

Until next time, be nice to one another and keep the rubber side down.